Let me be clear: I don’t want to be a problem parent. I want to feel like my children’s teachers and I are partners in guiding my girls’ education. I’ve experienced that a few times, and it is marvelous. I have seen my children thrive when we all collaborate together with teachers who treat both me and my children with respect, who are passionate about teaching, and who are available to me and my kids beyond the school bell.
Let me further state that I have no doubt that any teacher got into the profession for any reason other than to make a difference. It is a tough, tough job with lots of red tape and many responsibilities well beyond their pay grade. When I first meet any teacher, I always want to believe that they’ll be amazing.
Unfortunately, I have been disappointed a few times along the way.
For the first few years, I tried to be a model parent at all times, and always believed that there was nothing to question about how the teacher was running their classroom.
When my oldest was in 2nd grade, we started to have homework battles. Every week, she had 10 vocabulary words, and each night, a different task to do with them. One night a week, the task was to write each word five times and use a different color for every letter. It was a time-consuming task, changing writing utensils for every letter, deciding on which color to use for each letter (no matter how often I would tell her it didn’t matter, just pick a color, my little 8-yr-old wanted to make patterns, and her version of perfect). We groaned each week when this assignment came up, and I would bargain with my daughter to get her to do it, but I never questioned that we had to do it.
Until Back to School Night, that is, and one parent stood up and talked about this very assignment and how difficult it was in their house. All the parents started nodding and murmuring in agreement. The teacher looked surprised because she had no idea what grief it was causing all of us at home, and came up with an alternative assignment instead.
It was then that I learned that speaking up, questioning the way things are can actually change the way things are for the better.
Since then, I’ve spoken up. I try do so respectfully by explaining what’s not working for our family. Sometimes, teachers work with us and offer alternatives. But sometimes, not only do they not change the way things are, but they look at me differently. I can see in their eyes that I’ve become a problem parent.
I don’t want the teachers to assign me homework. I work full-time, I’m a single parent full-time, and I have my own ideas on how I want to spend my limited time with my growing girls. I don’t want to spend our evenings working on dioramas. My children are interested in art, and I love it when they pull out their own supplies and create what they want to create. Personally, I have no talent in the visual arts, and no desire to improve upon those lacking qualities. I prefer to spend our “family art” time listening or going to see Broadway musicals.
When my children don’t understand their Math assignment, I don’t want to spend the evening googling similar equations, trying to find a methodology that coincides with how they were taught. I want to send a note to the teacher that my child doesn’t know how to do this; please review. I think it’s quite possible that if my child doesn’t understand how to do it, then other children in the class might not either.
I don’t want my daughter’s teacher to tell her that book reports are boring, so create a Book in a Bag project instead. I want my daughter to know how to summarize a book, and state what she thought the book was about, and think about character development. Instead, my daughter focuses on finding the “right” objects to put in her bag instead of thinking about themes.
I am happy to serve on the PTA. I am happy to provide my children the time and space to do their homework, and encourage them and guide them when necessary. I am happy to buy an extra box of tissue for the classroom. I am happy to teach my children about organization, charity and other lessons not normally taught in a classroom. I am happy to support their after-school activities that enrich their whole being.
But sometimes, this parent has a problem. And I’ll continue to say so when I do.
—
By April McCaffery
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Dear April,
What a wonderful post. As a teacher, it is easy to create a home task and forget the implication this might have on the family and homelife. I am going to email this post to all my teacher colleagues, especially young teachers without their own children.
Ainslie
Thanks Ainslie!
I love this post. I think you touch upon many things we feel as parents. Thank you for the great article. ~ Aparna
Wow! you have really opened my eyes – I didn’t know that I could ask the teacher for clarification, a change in assignment, etc… Thank you.
You’re welcome!
My daughter is only 2, so I haven’t had to deal with this yet. I will tell you that it worries me already. I am very street smart and can teach my child the ways of the world, but I am going to have to rely on the teachers teaching her the “book” smart part. (I am exaggerating a little here since I am not stupid and am very resourceful) They teach things so differently these days that it does worry me though. Plus I went to school 20-30 years ago. I don’t want to be a difficult parent either, but I may be based on this.
Hi Danielle:
Thanks for writing. You are not alone. If that is the one thing reading this post has touched in me, is that fact.
I used to ask my son “What happened at school today?”. His response would be “nothing”, the usual. I used to feel like a terrible parent. After I chatted with other parents, I didn’t feel like the only parent whose child said the above.
I will speak up about assignments more often now.
Aparna
Yup, I know exactly what you mean. I often question WHY the kids have been given a particular assignment, or what the real learning is that’s supposed to take place when my child is asked to come up with a costume to depict their latest reading assignment. All it teaches my son is that if he just has a general idea of what the book is about, all he has to do is figure out a way to dress as the main character. Tell me…how does that make reading more enriching? How does it help a child who already has problems focusing enough to read the number of pages necessary to get through a given book? Or the 24 words of vocabulary each week, with some of the WORST definitions I’ve ever seen…But I daren’t question too much lest I be considered one of those “problem parents”…grrrrrr
I am so glad to know that I am not alone. I think all parents worry about speaking up!
I really love what you have written. I am on both sides of the fence; I am a teacher and a parent. I think the key is focusing on the child and meeting the needs of the individual child. If both parents and teachers work together to keep the child at the center they can’t go wrong. Maybe a book bag is not right for one child, but might be perfect for another. There should always be alternatives. Personally, as a teacher, I believe projects should be done in class.
Homework can be a real burden on busy families with young children, and also on teens who are involved in many after-school activities or who are working to help support their families. If there is open communication, with respect on both sides, the child can only benefit.
Thanks for a great post.
Yes, I agree. There should be open communication. It ultimately benefits the kids the most. Isn’t that what Education is all about?