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Bullying, Bullies, and how Tuning In Can Change Bully Behavior

It’s easy to feel empathy for a victim of bullying. Shared outrage, confusion, frustration, and even a mutual sense of helplessness come naturally to most who listen to a child describe being taunted, teased, humiliated, or physically assaulted by a bully.

It’s far more difficult to be empathic toward the one doing the bullying. In our society, even the word “bully” conjures feelings of disdain and disgust. In fact, it’s downright counter-intuitive and against our human nature to tune in to the upset that drives a bully’s behaviors. And yet, according to Nancy Gordon, founder of one of the nation’s most effective school anti-bullying campaigns, empathic responses to bullies are among the most effective approaches for changing their aggressive behavior.

Roots of Empathy
Gordon’s Roots of Empathy program is based on social neuroscience, which reveals how the human brain is built for caring and cooperation. This school-wide program, which has reached an estimated 315,000 children over the last 15 years, has been shown to reduce aggression and increase pro-social behavior by giving children hands-on experiences practicing empathic behaviors. ROE uses the non-traditional approach of bringing a nurturing parent and a baby into school classrooms. Students observe their loving interactions and learn about understanding others’ perspectives. According to Time Magazine, which featured Gordon’s program in its May 2010 issue, even the Dalai Lama is a fan of the Roots of Empathy approach, saying it can help “spur world peace.”

Empathy for the Bully
So, how does developing empathy for innocent babies relate to showing empathy for seasoned bullies? According to Gordon, when parents and professionals resist the instinctive urge to interrogate a bully with questions like, “How do you think you made her feel when you said that?” and instead start with, “You must have felt very upset,” this approach gives antagonizers the gift of words to consider and describe their emotional state. When kids gain skills for understanding their own feelings, they are better equipped to tune in to the kinds of feelings they create in others through their bullying and more likely to end their hurtful behaviors.

Why Not Punishments?
For me, prosocial learning is a goal unto itself. For emotionally-charged parents of bullying victims, however, this does not always seem like enough. There is an understandable desire for actual, tangible punishment for bullies. In truth, however, punishment usually is only effective in satisfying the retribution needs of victims. For bullies themselves, punishment is most often just par for the course—nothing they don’t experience in their daily home lives. In fact, the roots of most bullying begin with punishment, victimization, and abuse in the home. Bullies know what it is to be punished; empathy is a far more novel—and therefore effective—approach.

If you are struggling with your own child’s bullying behaviors, check out Nancy Gordon’s Roots of Empathy program online. Another good read is the book by Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D. and Maia Szalavitz’s, Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential—and Endangered.

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Signe Whitson is a licensed social worker and speaker who offers training across the country for parents and professionals on how to effectively manage passive aggressive behavior in families, schools and workplaces. She is the Chief Operating Officer of the Life Space Crisis Intervention Institute. She also gives back to the parenting community by writing for My Baby Clothes Boutique. They carry the very best in baby clothes, tutus and baby headbands along with many more items.

Related posts:

1. Telling vs. Tattling: Getting Adult Support in Handling Bully Behavior
2. Anatomy of a Bully: Part I
3. Anatomy of a Bully: Part II
4. Anatomy of a Bully: Part III
5. Sticks and Stones

Tags: bullies, dealing with bullies, stop bullying behavior in children

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 12th, 2011 at 12:01 am and is filed under Adult/Child Communication, Signe Whitson. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.